Self Violence

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I read an article that spoke of the Dalai Lama crying as he gave a talk.  When the audience asked why he was crying he said it was because of how violent we are with ourselves.

That really hit home.  I used to be violent with myself by abusing my body with alcohol.  And the next day I would be incredibly violent with my self-hatred, self-loathing and the mental and emotional abuse that raced through my mind.

These days the volume on the self violence has been turned way down.  But I still “beat” myself up over the most minute things.  Because I’m quiet and intuitive I am very aware of others’ energy and their body language.  But I’m also self absorbed enough that I can launch into believing that their shift in energy or body language is a result of something I have done or said.  Most times this is probably not the case.  Other times it may be the case, but that doesn’t mean I have to go into a shame spiral and be mentally violent with myself.

I am practicing noticing when it happens.  Acknowledging that it may not be about me (imagine that!).  And also acknowledging that perhaps it is about me.  But that’s ok too.  I’m only human afterall and I will continue to say stupid, insensitive things, but that doesn’t make me a bad person, just a human one who is learning to live with more intention and consciousness.  I am learning to have compassion for myself.

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