This was taken from my journal years ago after a period of sobriety and then picking the wine glass up again,
“The self deprecating thoughts are back with a vengeance. Is it really that the thoughts are louder and more pervasive than they have been in the past? Or is it that I had experienced the quietness that was possible and now the old way of living is far too dramatic and loud? Where did these dark thoughts come from? Why did they go away when I was sober? The thoughts had originated in early dysfunction. The ghosts of the past had set up camp in my mind long ago”.
As a kid, I fed the ghosts sugar and fat to plump them up and make them large, then in my teen years I progressed to feeding them tar and nicotine to make them tough and mean and finally as a young adult alcohol was what kept them alive. Without the alcohol they shriveled up, but they would never go away. Once I got sober for good and had months and years without the ghosts being fed their secret poison, they shriveled up smaller and smaller, but they still remain there. Always lying dormant in the corner of my mind whispering requests to be fed. All it takes is one drop of alcohol to fully ignite their power. And that is why I can never, ever drink”.
I’m deeply grateful that I no longer hear whispers begging for alcohol. But I know the shriveled up ghosts still exist in my mind like tiny dehydrated vegetables that only require a bit of hot water to turn fully into a cup of soup. Now, at this stage of my recovery the hot water is old patterns of thinking. Fear and defensiveness seem to be the most pervasive. I’ve done a lot of work to reprogram my thoughts and with each layer of the veil that I peel away that buffers me from my true self, I feel more freedom, peace and excitement about life.