I Freely Gave it Away

Excerpt from my upcoming memoir:

I had once again been sober for several weeks and was thriving in my new found state.  Then came Monday night football.  It was the biggest game of the year.  I decided I was doing so well, that drinking on this monumental night only made sense.  I arrived at the game feeling fabulous.  I had my first drink and it knocked me down a few notches, so I tossed back another.  That usually did the trick.  It didn’t.  Those two drinks not only stole my clarity and peace.  They hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was stumbling drunk.  There was no build up, no entertaining fun part.  I went straight from tranquility to apathetic and drunk.  I had the foresight to stop before it stole more of my new found harmony.

The following day I felt sluggish and toxic!  Based on my drinking history, I hadn’t drunk enough to be hung over, but I had put enough alcohol in my newly clear body to disturb it.  I found my thoughts racing all day.  The underlying anxiety, depression and self deprecating thoughts were back, with a vengeance.  I was so very, very tired of this pattern.

It was a beautiful sunny day in October, I was sitting on the deck of our little lake cabin, surrounded by a collage of autumn colors.  The sky was a brilliant blue.  It was the most perfect day, but I was depressed and once again journaling away my woes.  It was so cyclical..rehashing the same issues over and over.  Yet, I would often explore the pattern in this beautiful setting with an inherent knowing that it was a reflection of who I really was.  I looked out at the crisp and colorful view, it was bright, vivid and alive.  I listened to the  sounds of  birds, crickets, and the lake slapping against the bank.  It was a constant rhythmic hum.  I inhaled the very distinct fragrance of life on Tennessee water; a mossy earthy blend with scents of pine and cedar.   And I knew this collaborative effort that mother nature surrounded me with really was my true self.  This is who I was.  I was an earthy, colorful goddess…yes a goddess.  Not the polluted, heavy darkness that I was sitting with.

As I was frantically trying to write my way to a solution.  I suddenly heard “get off your fat ass and quit being a victim” and in that moment I knew I had just reached another turning point.  I took this rallying call seriously.  I was being a victim and I couldn’t keep doing the same thing expecting a different result.

I’ve always known I have dark humor angels surrounding me.  I believe I have divine guidance around me all the time, but it never feels like fluffy white wings, harps or cherubic faces.  My angels have moxie, edges and attitudes.  And on this particular day they were very bored with me and y recurring story.  I was suddenly sure they were rolling their eyes at my accusations that alcohol had stolen my clarity.  No, I had done this to myself.

Why did I keep acting like such a victim.  I allowed it.  Invited it.  We were back to the analogy of alcohol being the abusive boyfriend.  Here I was having found a new life that met all of my needs, yet not believing there was any way I could be happy on my own.  I went running back into his neighborhood begging him to give me another chance.  I handed over my peace.  It was not stolen.  I stood there arms wide open and urged alcohol, please come to me.  Here I am, I am offering my clear brain up to you to become fuzzy and dehydrated.  Please enter my entire system so that I can feel shaky and uncertain.  Tie up my emotions and make me question everything.  Insert yourself as a heavy dark fog between me and my higher self, my divine connection.  Yes, do all of these things…hurry!  Do it quick.  No, nothing had been stolen from me.  I freely gave it all away.